Last week, we posed a test of your ability to identify statements that are empathetic responses. The statements in bold print are empathetic.
The remaining statements give reassurance, attempt to educate, disagree and defend, take responsibility for A’s feelings, give advice, assume understanding and talk about B’s feelings, or start by focusing on A’s feelings but then shift to explaining.
1. Person A: “How could I do something so stupid?”
Person B: “Nobody is perfect; you’re too hard on yourself.” [giving reassurance]
2. Person A: “If you ask me, we ought to ship all these immigrants back to where
they came from.”
Person B: “Do you really think that would solve anything?” [attempting to educate]
3. Person A: “You aren’t God!”
Person B: “Are you feeling frustrated because you would like me to admit that
there can be other ways of interpreting this matter?”
4. Person A: “I think that you take me for granted. I wonder how you would manage
without me.”
Person B: “That’s not true! I don’t take you for granted!” [disagreeing and
defending]
5. Person A: “How could you say a thing like that to me?”
Person B: “Are you feeling hurt because I said this?” [taking responsibility for
A’s feelings]
6. Person A: “I’m furious with my husband. He’s never around when I need him.”
Person B: “You think he should be around more than he is?”
[Dr. Rosenberg would prefer: “So, you’re feeling furious because you would like him to be around more than he is?”- because it focuses on feelings and needs rather than thoughts]
7. Person A: “I’m disgusted with how heavy I’m getting.”
Person B: “Perhaps jogging would help.” [giving advice (I’m sure all the women
got this one!)]
8. Person A: “I’ve been a nervous wreck planning for my daughter’s wedding.
Her fiancé’s family is not helping. About every day they change their
minds about the kind of wedding they would like.”
Person B: “So you’re feeling nervous about how to make arrangements and would
appreciate it if your future in-laws could be more aware of the
complications their indecision creates for you?”
9. Person A: “When my relatives come without letting me know ahead of time, I feel
invaded. It reminds me of how my parents used to disregard my needs
and would plan things for me.”
Person B: “I know just how you feel. I used to feel that way, too.” [assuming
understanding then talking about B’s own feelings]
10. Person A: “I’m disappointed with your performance. I would have liked your
department to double your production last month.”
Person B: “I understand that you are disappointed, but we have had many
absences due to illness.” [starting by focusing on A’s feelings but
then shifting to explaining]
Tip #320: Avoiding Burnout that Begins With a Sense of Isolation
“The price for independence is often isolation and solitude.” Steve Schmidt
I realize that I promised another Tip on Nonviolent Communication this week, but I really think we’ve done enough on this. It’s well past time to move on to another subject.
It is spring here in Madison, Wisconsin. Spring is a time of rebirth. Hopefully, the economy is picking up and we are all feeling more on top of our work and our lives. So this week’s topic may seem strange to you.
But for those of us who are sole practitioners, who have been struggling to stay afloat, burnout is a real possibility.
There are three tracks that lead to the stress and the feeling of powerlessness that create extreme exhaustion, otherwise known as burnout. The first track begins with isolation. This Tip looks at the steps along that track and what you can do to help yourself before you get burnt out.
Solo practitioners are on their own. They often have no one with which to discuss business issues or share challenges or serve as a sounding board for new ideas. A solution to isolation is to schedule connection with other people: arrange frequent meetings with colleagues, attend professional association meetings, join internet groups, create a telephone partnership, etc.
Isolation leads to a real lack of support. If you are on your own, there is no one there to take over tasks or provide words of encouragement. Many solo practitioners try to do everything themselves and quickly become overwhelmed. A solution to a lack of support is to identify what you do well and delegate the rest to professionals who have the necessary expertise. You can either trade expertise with another solo practitioner or bite the bullet and pay for expert assistance.
Isolation and a lack of support can lead to a lack of recognition. We’re not talking academy awards here. It is a simple facet of human nature that we like to be recognized for what we do. This is particularly true when we are working day and night, with little to show for our efforts. We want to be recognized for the sacrifices we make in order for our business to succeed. A solution to a lack of recognition is to create a mutual recognition partnership with one or more solo practitioners. Who better than someone in the same situation can truly comprehend what it takes to build and maintain a business.
A lack of recognition leads directly to a lack of appreciation. When we can’t see any tangible accomplishments, or our brief successes get buried under mountains of new tasks and deadlines, it would be nice to have someone who appreciates us and validates our value. A solution to a lack of appreciation is finding someone who is sympathetic and willing to be a cheerleader. It might help to meet weekly with peers and create a ritual wherein everyone has a chance to identify the progress they have made, the challenges they have met, or the successes they have achieved.
When we are isolated, lack support, lack recognition and lack appreciation, it is easy to simply stop growing as a person. Worn down by obligations without end, we are in a survival mode at this point. We have no time or energy to devote to personal growth. A solution to a lack of personal growth is to make a commitment to ensure some balance in our lives. All work and no play results in a very dull person. We need to realize that we will be much better at our work if we take time to learn and try new ideas, techniques, or experiences that are not business-related.
When work is our entire world and there is no relief in sight, it is easy to feel a sense of entrapment. There is a reason that the metaphor for unrelenting work is a rat race, particularly rats running in a maze. We see no way out of our obligations, pressures, and expectations. We start to repress our anxiety and our growing anger- at ourselves and the situation in which we find ourselves. A solution to a sense of entrapment is to remember that we have choices. We do not have to work day and night. We can set or negotiate more reasonable deadlines. We can remember that there is more to life and choose to take time to enjoy it.
The sense of entrapment easily leads to stress. Without some release, our anxiety and tension can grow until it literally brings us to a breaking point. Our health gets compromised, because we frequently deny ourselves adequate rest, relaxation, or even nutrition. The caffeine and sugar we depend on to keep going when we are absolutely exhausted give us only brief highs and much longer lows. We literally have no resilience. A solution to stress is to recognize it and build some balance into our lives to repair our emotional, physical and spiritual health. Then rather than agonizing and worrying about things, we need to look for workable solutions.
Burnout that begins with isolation and follows this track will end in a feeling of powerlessness. This is a deeply depressive place that sees no light or hope of rescue or relief. We firmly believe that there is nothing we can do to help ourselves. We are buffeted by the economy and our competition; stymied by our inability to gain clients or sell products; overwhelmed by new technology and social media; too exhausted to do anything more or learn anything new. All we want to do is curl up and die.
A solution to this feeling of powerlessness is again to recognize that we have choices. The very first choice when we reach this terrible state of being is to get professional help. We need help to understand the choices (what they were and why we made them) that got us to this point. We also need help to be able to make the choice to take the necessary time to rest and heal.
Once we are burnt out, we have nothing to offer ourselves or anyone else. It is virtually impossible to run a healthy business or live a healthy life when we are so devastated and exhausted. So let’s not get to this point! If you find yourself anywhere along this track, step off of it and take constructive action to eliminate or address the potential burnout pitfalls.
To help those of us who are highly stressed or facing burnout, I have posted a white paper on Hot Tips for Good Mental Health on my website at http://www.laurelandassociates.com.
In next week’s Tip, we will look at the second track to burnout that begins with worry.
May your learning be sweet.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Tip #319: Nonviolent Communication #10: Receiving With Empathy
In last week's Tip, we posed a test of your ability to identify statements that pose clear, positive, action-oriented requests. The statements in bold print are requests rather than demands. The remaining statements do not clearly express a request for a specific action.
1. "I want you to care about me."
2. "I'd like you to tell me one reason why you think I would do well in that job."
3. "I'd like you to act more serious about this project."
4. "I'd like you to stop yelling at me."
5. "I'd like you to let her be herself."
6. I'd like you to be honest with me."
7. "I would like you to stay on the highway."
8. "I'd like to get to know your parents better."
9. "I would like you to show respect for my privacy."
10."I'd like you to get home early more often."
Tip #319: Nonviolent Communication #10: Receiving With Empathy
"The key ingredient of empathy is presence: we are wholly present with the other party and what they are experiencing." Dr. Marshall Rosenberg
In previous Tips, we have explored the four components of honest expression: what we are observing, feeling and needing, and what we would like to request. There is another side to nonviolent communication, which is hearing what others are observing, feeling, needing and requesting.
In Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg refers to this aspect of nonviolent communication as "receiving empathically."
Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are feeling or experiencing. It begins with what many of us have learned as active listening: holding our own thoughts and feelings in abeyance as we listen without judgment to someone else.
This is not easy to do. We are problem solvers. As a result, rather than simply listening, we often want to jump right in with suggestions or advice, or to tell our own stories or feelings.
Holley Humphrey identifies ten common behaviors that prevent us from actively listening: advising, one-upping, educating, consoling, story-telling, shutting down, sympathizing, interrogating, explaining, and correcting.
According to Dr. Rosenberg, "believing we have to 'fix' situations and make others feel better prevents us from being present...intellectual understanding of a problem blocks the kind of presence that empathy requires."
"When we are thinking about people's words and listening to how they connect to our theories, we are looking at people- we are not with them. [And] while we may choose at times to sympathize with others by feeling their feelings, it's helpful to be aware that during the moment we are offering sympathy, we are not empathizing."
In this part of nonviolent communication, no matter what other people say, our job is to only hear what they are (1) observing, (2) feeling, (3) needing, and (4) requesting.
We start this process by paraphrasing what we have heard, to check our understanding. Paraphrasing is a well-known component of active listening. However, it takes a more sophisticated form in nonviolent communication.
First, it is specifically focused on what others are observing, feeling and needing, or requesting. Second, we may need to express our own feelings and needs before we ask for information.
For example:
"Instead of asking someone, "What did I do?" we might say, "I'm frustrated because I'd like to be clearer about what you are referring to. Would you be willing to tell me what I've done that leads you to see me in this way?"
Dr. Rosenberg acknowledges that this second step may neither be needed or helpful in some situations, but he strongly recommends reflecting back messages that are emotionally charged.
We may choose to paraphrase and reflect people's messages back to them if we are unclear about their message- or if we sense that they would like confirmation that their message has been accurately received.
Interestingly enough, Dr. Rosenberg says that paraphrasing tends to save, rather than waste, time. "Studies in labor-management negotiations demonstrate that the time required to reach conflict resolution is cut in half when each negotiator agrees, before responding, to accurately repeat what the previous speaker has said." !
We will know that a speaker has received sufficient empathy when tension decreases or the flow of words comes to an end. And if we start to feel defensive or unable to give empathy, we need to stop, breathe, and give ourselves empathy- because we can't give to others what we don't give to ourselves.
Let's check if we can recognize verbal expressions of empathy. Keep in mind that:
(1) paraphrasing reflects back what the other person has said, without interpretation or indication of what we think or feel about it; and
(2) we can connect on a deeper level if we receive the feelings and needs being expressed rather than just the thoughts.
Please circle the number in front of each statement in which Person B is responding empathically to what is going on within Person A:
1. Person A: "How could I do something so stupid?"
Person B: "Nobody is perfect; you're too hard on yourself."
2. Person A: "If you ask me, we ought to ship all these immigrants back to
where they came from."
Person B: "Do you really think that would solve anything?"
3. Person A: "You aren't God!"
Person B: "Are you feeling frustrated because you would like me to admit
that there can be other ways of interpreting this matter?"
4. Person A: "I think that you take me for granted. I wonder how you would
manage without me."
Person B: "That's not true! I don't take you for granted!"
5. Person A: "How could you say a thing like that to me?"
Person B: "Are you feeling hurt because I said this?"
6. Person A: "I'm furious with my husband. He's never around when I need
him."
Person B: "You think he should be around more than he is?"
7. Person A: "I'm disgusted with how heavy I'm getting."
Person B: "Perhaps jogging would help."
8. Person A: "I've been a nervous wreck planning for my daughter's wedding.
Her fiance's family is not helping. About every day they
change their minds about the kind of wedding they would like."
Person B: "So you're feeling nervous about how to make arrangements and
would appreciate it if your future in-laws could be more
aware of the complications their indecision creates for you?"
9. Person A: "When my relatives come without letting me know ahead of time,
I feel invaded. It reminds me of how my parents used to
disregard my needs and would plan things for me."
Person B: "I know just how you feel. I used to feel that way, too."
10.Person A: "I'm disappointed with your performance. I would have liked
your department to double your production last month."
Person B: "I understand that you are disappointed, but we have had many
absences due to illness."
In the next Tip, we will discuss the power of empathy.
1. "I want you to care about me."
2. "I'd like you to tell me one reason why you think I would do well in that job."
3. "I'd like you to act more serious about this project."
4. "I'd like you to stop yelling at me."
5. "I'd like you to let her be herself."
6. I'd like you to be honest with me."
7. "I would like you to stay on the highway."
8. "I'd like to get to know your parents better."
9. "I would like you to show respect for my privacy."
10."I'd like you to get home early more often."
Tip #319: Nonviolent Communication #10: Receiving With Empathy
"The key ingredient of empathy is presence: we are wholly present with the other party and what they are experiencing." Dr. Marshall Rosenberg
In previous Tips, we have explored the four components of honest expression: what we are observing, feeling and needing, and what we would like to request. There is another side to nonviolent communication, which is hearing what others are observing, feeling, needing and requesting.
In Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg refers to this aspect of nonviolent communication as "receiving empathically."
Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are feeling or experiencing. It begins with what many of us have learned as active listening: holding our own thoughts and feelings in abeyance as we listen without judgment to someone else.
This is not easy to do. We are problem solvers. As a result, rather than simply listening, we often want to jump right in with suggestions or advice, or to tell our own stories or feelings.
Holley Humphrey identifies ten common behaviors that prevent us from actively listening: advising, one-upping, educating, consoling, story-telling, shutting down, sympathizing, interrogating, explaining, and correcting.
According to Dr. Rosenberg, "believing we have to 'fix' situations and make others feel better prevents us from being present...intellectual understanding of a problem blocks the kind of presence that empathy requires."
"When we are thinking about people's words and listening to how they connect to our theories, we are looking at people- we are not with them. [And] while we may choose at times to sympathize with others by feeling their feelings, it's helpful to be aware that during the moment we are offering sympathy, we are not empathizing."
In this part of nonviolent communication, no matter what other people say, our job is to only hear what they are (1) observing, (2) feeling, (3) needing, and (4) requesting.
We start this process by paraphrasing what we have heard, to check our understanding. Paraphrasing is a well-known component of active listening. However, it takes a more sophisticated form in nonviolent communication.
First, it is specifically focused on what others are observing, feeling and needing, or requesting. Second, we may need to express our own feelings and needs before we ask for information.
For example:
"Instead of asking someone, "What did I do?" we might say, "I'm frustrated because I'd like to be clearer about what you are referring to. Would you be willing to tell me what I've done that leads you to see me in this way?"
Dr. Rosenberg acknowledges that this second step may neither be needed or helpful in some situations, but he strongly recommends reflecting back messages that are emotionally charged.
We may choose to paraphrase and reflect people's messages back to them if we are unclear about their message- or if we sense that they would like confirmation that their message has been accurately received.
Interestingly enough, Dr. Rosenberg says that paraphrasing tends to save, rather than waste, time. "Studies in labor-management negotiations demonstrate that the time required to reach conflict resolution is cut in half when each negotiator agrees, before responding, to accurately repeat what the previous speaker has said." !
We will know that a speaker has received sufficient empathy when tension decreases or the flow of words comes to an end. And if we start to feel defensive or unable to give empathy, we need to stop, breathe, and give ourselves empathy- because we can't give to others what we don't give to ourselves.
Let's check if we can recognize verbal expressions of empathy. Keep in mind that:
(1) paraphrasing reflects back what the other person has said, without interpretation or indication of what we think or feel about it; and
(2) we can connect on a deeper level if we receive the feelings and needs being expressed rather than just the thoughts.
Please circle the number in front of each statement in which Person B is responding empathically to what is going on within Person A:
1. Person A: "How could I do something so stupid?"
Person B: "Nobody is perfect; you're too hard on yourself."
2. Person A: "If you ask me, we ought to ship all these immigrants back to
where they came from."
Person B: "Do you really think that would solve anything?"
3. Person A: "You aren't God!"
Person B: "Are you feeling frustrated because you would like me to admit
that there can be other ways of interpreting this matter?"
4. Person A: "I think that you take me for granted. I wonder how you would
manage without me."
Person B: "That's not true! I don't take you for granted!"
5. Person A: "How could you say a thing like that to me?"
Person B: "Are you feeling hurt because I said this?"
6. Person A: "I'm furious with my husband. He's never around when I need
him."
Person B: "You think he should be around more than he is?"
7. Person A: "I'm disgusted with how heavy I'm getting."
Person B: "Perhaps jogging would help."
8. Person A: "I've been a nervous wreck planning for my daughter's wedding.
Her fiance's family is not helping. About every day they
change their minds about the kind of wedding they would like."
Person B: "So you're feeling nervous about how to make arrangements and
would appreciate it if your future in-laws could be more
aware of the complications their indecision creates for you?"
9. Person A: "When my relatives come without letting me know ahead of time,
I feel invaded. It reminds me of how my parents used to
disregard my needs and would plan things for me."
Person B: "I know just how you feel. I used to feel that way, too."
10.Person A: "I'm disappointed with your performance. I would have liked
your department to double your production last month."
Person B: "I understand that you are disappointed, but we have had many
absences due to illness."
In the next Tip, we will discuss the power of empathy.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Tip #318: Nonviolent Communication #9: Making Requests Rather Than Demands
“Self absorption and empathy for others are mutually exclusive." Donald Blum
In this Tip, we continue our discussion of the fourth component of NVC by looking at what we want when we make a request and how to make a request so it is not perceived as a demand.
According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, after we express ourselves in terms of our feelings and needs, there are three possible responses we may want: (1) what the listener is feeling, (2) what the listener is thinking, or (3) whether the listener will be willing to take a particular action. It is important for us to clearly identify which response we desire.
This becomes problematic if there is a history of blaming or finding fault. If so, it is more likely that any request will be perceived as a demand- to which the listener will only have two options: to submit or to rebel.
The only way to tell if the statement is a request or a demand is to observe what the speaker does if the listener does not comply with the request. If the speaker takes the lack of compliance as a personal reject and then criticizes or judges the listener, the statement will be heard as a demand rather than a request.
However, if we indicate that we only want others to comply if they can do it willingly, showing empathy toward their needs, then our statement will be heard as a request. This is because a request, by definition, can be refused.
Dr. Rosenberg cautions that “If our objective is only to change people and their behavior or to get our way, then NVC is not an appropriate tool. The process is designed for those of us who would like others to change and respond, but only if they choose to do so willingly and compassionately.” NVC is meant to create relationships based on honesty and empathy, not judgment and coercion.
If we make our requests from a self righteous and judgmental perspective in which the words: should, supposed, deserve, justified, and right play a part, those requests automatically become demands.
Let’s test your ability to identify statements that are clear expressions of requests. Which of the following statements make clear, positive, action-oriented requests?
1. “I want you to care about me.”
2. “I’d like you to tell me one reason why you think I would do well in that job.”
3. “I’d like you to act more serious about this project.”
4. “I’d like you to stop yelling at me.”
5. “I’d like you to let her be herself.”
6. "I’d like you to be honest with me.”
7. “I would like you to stay on the highway.”
8. “I’d like to get to know your parents better.”
9. “I would like you to show respect for my privacy.”
10. “I’d like you to get home early more often.”
In the next Tip, we will discuss the next step in NVC, which is to empathically receive what others are observing, feeling, needing and requesting.
May your learning be sweet.
In this Tip, we continue our discussion of the fourth component of NVC by looking at what we want when we make a request and how to make a request so it is not perceived as a demand.
According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, after we express ourselves in terms of our feelings and needs, there are three possible responses we may want: (1) what the listener is feeling, (2) what the listener is thinking, or (3) whether the listener will be willing to take a particular action. It is important for us to clearly identify which response we desire.
This becomes problematic if there is a history of blaming or finding fault. If so, it is more likely that any request will be perceived as a demand- to which the listener will only have two options: to submit or to rebel.
The only way to tell if the statement is a request or a demand is to observe what the speaker does if the listener does not comply with the request. If the speaker takes the lack of compliance as a personal reject and then criticizes or judges the listener, the statement will be heard as a demand rather than a request.
However, if we indicate that we only want others to comply if they can do it willingly, showing empathy toward their needs, then our statement will be heard as a request. This is because a request, by definition, can be refused.
Dr. Rosenberg cautions that “If our objective is only to change people and their behavior or to get our way, then NVC is not an appropriate tool. The process is designed for those of us who would like others to change and respond, but only if they choose to do so willingly and compassionately.” NVC is meant to create relationships based on honesty and empathy, not judgment and coercion.
If we make our requests from a self righteous and judgmental perspective in which the words: should, supposed, deserve, justified, and right play a part, those requests automatically become demands.
Let’s test your ability to identify statements that are clear expressions of requests. Which of the following statements make clear, positive, action-oriented requests?
1. “I want you to care about me.”
2. “I’d like you to tell me one reason why you think I would do well in that job.”
3. “I’d like you to act more serious about this project.”
4. “I’d like you to stop yelling at me.”
5. “I’d like you to let her be herself.”
6. "I’d like you to be honest with me.”
7. “I would like you to stay on the highway.”
8. “I’d like to get to know your parents better.”
9. “I would like you to show respect for my privacy.”
10. “I’d like you to get home early more often.”
In the next Tip, we will discuss the next step in NVC, which is to empathically receive what others are observing, feeling, needing and requesting.
May your learning be sweet.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Tip #317: Nonviolent Communication #8: What We Request of Others
“Every moment of your life is infinitely creative and the universe is endlessly bountiful. Just put forth a clear enough request, and everything your heart desires must come to you." Shakti Gawain
In this Tip, we will begin to discuss the fourth component of NVC, which addresses what we would like to request of others. According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, “When our needs are not being fulfilled, we follow the expression of what we are observing, feeling, and needing with a specific request: we ask for actions that might fulfill our needs.”
NVC requests are clear, positive, and action oriented.
Clear positive language is important when making requests. Using negative language to tell people what we don’t want can have two major drawbacks. First, they may know what we don’t want but have difficulty identifying what we do want. Second, negative requests are frequently met with resistance because they sound critical of the other person.
NVC requests involve specific concrete actions that others can actually take, rather than vague generalities. If we merely express our feelings, the listener may not have a clear idea what we want that person to do. However, if we state our feelings and needs along with our request, it is more likely to accomplish our desired purpose.
The problem is that we often speak words without any conscious awareness of what we really want.
Dr. Rosenberg believes that “whenever we say something to another person, we are requesting something in return.” It might be empathy and acknowledgment, an honest reaction, or a specific action.
If we want our needs to be met, we have to be very clear about what we want from the other person. We also need to check to make sure that our message is received as it was intended, which requires us to ask for specific feedback.
As anyone who has taught or practiced active listening knows, people can get annoyed, irritated, or even angry when you ask them to repeat back to you what you have just said. So this step has to be handled with tact and diplomacy, stressing that we want to make sure that we have expressed ourselves clearly, rather than if the other person is paying attention.
In the next Tip, we will continue our discussion of the fourth component of NVC by looking at the three possible responses we want when we make a request and how to make a request so it is not perceived as a demand.
May your learning be sweet.
In this Tip, we will begin to discuss the fourth component of NVC, which addresses what we would like to request of others. According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, “When our needs are not being fulfilled, we follow the expression of what we are observing, feeling, and needing with a specific request: we ask for actions that might fulfill our needs.”
NVC requests are clear, positive, and action oriented.
Clear positive language is important when making requests. Using negative language to tell people what we don’t want can have two major drawbacks. First, they may know what we don’t want but have difficulty identifying what we do want. Second, negative requests are frequently met with resistance because they sound critical of the other person.
NVC requests involve specific concrete actions that others can actually take, rather than vague generalities. If we merely express our feelings, the listener may not have a clear idea what we want that person to do. However, if we state our feelings and needs along with our request, it is more likely to accomplish our desired purpose.
The problem is that we often speak words without any conscious awareness of what we really want.
Dr. Rosenberg believes that “whenever we say something to another person, we are requesting something in return.” It might be empathy and acknowledgment, an honest reaction, or a specific action.
If we want our needs to be met, we have to be very clear about what we want from the other person. We also need to check to make sure that our message is received as it was intended, which requires us to ask for specific feedback.
As anyone who has taught or practiced active listening knows, people can get annoyed, irritated, or even angry when you ask them to repeat back to you what you have just said. So this step has to be handled with tact and diplomacy, stressing that we want to make sure that we have expressed ourselves clearly, rather than if the other person is paying attention.
In the next Tip, we will continue our discussion of the fourth component of NVC by looking at the three possible responses we want when we make a request and how to make a request so it is not perceived as a demand.
May your learning be sweet.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Tip #316: Nonviolent Communication #7: Three Stages to Emotional Liberation
In last week’s Tip, we posed a test of your ability to identify statements in which the speaker acknowledges responsibility for his or her feelings. The statements in bold print connect the speaker’s feelings to the speaker’s needs. The remaining statements tend to imply that the other person’s behavior is solely responsible for the speaker’s feelings. They don’t indicate the needs or thoughts that are the basis for the speaker’s feelings.
1. “You insult me when you do not introduce me to your friends.”
2. “I am jealous when you choose to spend time with her instead of me, because I need to feel important in your life.”
3. “I feel delighted when you bring me flowers.”
4. “I’m horrified that you feel that way because I was hoping that we would be able to reach an agreement.”
5. “I feel despondent because you never fulfill your promises.”
6. "I’m worried because I thought we would make good time on the road.”
7. “Certain words make me very uncomfortable.”
8. “I feel relieved that you weren’t hurt.”
9. “I feel exhilarated when they shout out my name.”
10. “I am hurt that you did not invite me to your party, because I thought that we were friends.”
Tip #316: Nonviolent Communication #7: Three Stages to Emotional Liberation
"You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of." Jim Rohn
We all share basic human needs for autonomy, celebration, integrity, interdependence, play, spiritual communion and physical nurturance. According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, “It has been my experience over and over again that from the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what’s wrong with one another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody’s needs is greatly increased.”
There are three stages we must experience before we can learn how to take responsibility for our feelings.
Stage 1 is “emotional slavery,” in which we believe that we are responsible for other people’s feelings.
In this stage, we think it is our job to keep everyone else happy. We are likely to say, “My partner is so needy and dependent, it’s really stressing out our relationship.” However, the reality is that we are really stressed out by our own sense of obligation in the relationship.
This can be devastating to intimate relationships, because it equates love with the denial of our own needs.
Stage 2 is “the obnoxious stage,” in which we feel angry and no longer want to be responsible for others’ feelings.
In this stage, we are tired of taking care of everyone else and tend to go to the other extreme, saying, “That’s your problem! I’m not responsible for your feelings!”
We know what we are not responsible for, but do not know how to be responsible to others in a way that is not emotionally enslaving. We need to learn that emotional liberation involves more than simply asserting our own needs.
Stage 3 is “emotional liberation,” in which we take full responsibility for our intentions and actions.
In this stage, we respond to the needs of others out of compassion rather than fear, guilt or shame.
“Emotional liberation involves stating clearly what we need in a way that communicates we are equally concerned that the needs of others be fulfilled.”
In the next Tip, we will begin to discuss the fourth component of NVC, which addresses what we would like to request of others.
May your learning be sweet.
1. “You insult me when you do not introduce me to your friends.”
2. “I am jealous when you choose to spend time with her instead of me, because I need to feel important in your life.”
3. “I feel delighted when you bring me flowers.”
4. “I’m horrified that you feel that way because I was hoping that we would be able to reach an agreement.”
5. “I feel despondent because you never fulfill your promises.”
6. "I’m worried because I thought we would make good time on the road.”
7. “Certain words make me very uncomfortable.”
8. “I feel relieved that you weren’t hurt.”
9. “I feel exhilarated when they shout out my name.”
10. “I am hurt that you did not invite me to your party, because I thought that we were friends.”
Tip #316: Nonviolent Communication #7: Three Stages to Emotional Liberation
"You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of." Jim Rohn
We all share basic human needs for autonomy, celebration, integrity, interdependence, play, spiritual communion and physical nurturance. According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, “It has been my experience over and over again that from the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what’s wrong with one another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody’s needs is greatly increased.”
There are three stages we must experience before we can learn how to take responsibility for our feelings.
Stage 1 is “emotional slavery,” in which we believe that we are responsible for other people’s feelings.
In this stage, we think it is our job to keep everyone else happy. We are likely to say, “My partner is so needy and dependent, it’s really stressing out our relationship.” However, the reality is that we are really stressed out by our own sense of obligation in the relationship.
This can be devastating to intimate relationships, because it equates love with the denial of our own needs.
Stage 2 is “the obnoxious stage,” in which we feel angry and no longer want to be responsible for others’ feelings.
In this stage, we are tired of taking care of everyone else and tend to go to the other extreme, saying, “That’s your problem! I’m not responsible for your feelings!”
We know what we are not responsible for, but do not know how to be responsible to others in a way that is not emotionally enslaving. We need to learn that emotional liberation involves more than simply asserting our own needs.
Stage 3 is “emotional liberation,” in which we take full responsibility for our intentions and actions.
In this stage, we respond to the needs of others out of compassion rather than fear, guilt or shame.
“Emotional liberation involves stating clearly what we need in a way that communicates we are equally concerned that the needs of others be fulfilled.”
In the next Tip, we will begin to discuss the fourth component of NVC, which addresses what we would like to request of others.
May your learning be sweet.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Tip #315: Nonviolent Communication #6: Take Responsibility for Feelings
In last week’s Tip, we posed a test of your ability to identify statements that express feelings rather than interpreting other’s feelings or behavior. The statements in bold print are feeling statements. The remaining statements either express: our interpretation of how others feel or behave, our thoughts rather than our feelings, or our feelings with words that are too vague.
1. “I feel you don’t want me here.”
2. “I’m glad that you’re back home.”
3. “I feel angry when you do that.”
4. “When you don’t invite me to dinner with your friends, I feel rejected.”
5. “I’m terrified about the situation.”
6. “You’re infuriating.”
7. “I feel like hugging her.”
8. “I feel misunderstood.”
9. “I feel bad about what he did.”
10.“I’m useless.”
“People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them.” Epictetus
According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, the third component of Nonviolent Communication requires that we learn how to take responsibility for our feelings.
We do this by acknowledging the root cause of our feelings. What others say or do may be the stimulus for our feelings, but not the cause of our feelings. Our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say or do, as well as our specific needs and expectations in that situation.
NVC identifies four options for receiving verbal or nonverbal negative messages. We can:
(1) take it personally by hearing blame and criticism. In this case, we accept the
speaker’s judgment and blame ourselves.
(2) blame the speaker. In this case, we often get angry with the speaker.
(3) recognize that our response has to do with our own feelings and needs. In this
case, we become conscious that our feeling is caused by the fact that our needs are not being met.
(4) explore the speaker’s underlying feelings and needs that prompted the message.
In this case, we focus on the speaker rather than our reaction.
Assertiveness training teaches us to accept responsibility for our feelings, rights and needs. NVC takes this one step further by adding that: “We accept responsibility for our feelings, rather than blame other people, by acknowledging our own needs, desires, expectations, values or thoughts.”
For example, when I say, “You hurt my feelings when you didn’t call me back right away, “ I attribute my hurt feelings to the other person’s behavior.
However, when I say, “I was hurt when you didn’t call me back right away, because I really wanted to plan to get together tonight,” I attribute my hurt feelings to my unfulfilled desire to get together.
An important NVC concept is that the more we are able to connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for other to respond in a compassionate manner.
There are three common speech patterns that make it sound as if we are stating how we feel, but actually end up blaming others:
1. Using impersonal pronouns such as it and that. For example, “It really frustrates me when the Internet is slow.” “That worries me.”
2. Using the expression “I feel (an emotion) because… (followed by a person or personal pronoun other than I)”. For example, “I feel sad because you forgot my gift.” “I feel terrified because my landlord has not changed our locks yet.”
3. Using statements that mention only the actions of others. For example, “When you constantly forget my name, I feel badly.” “Grandma is nervous when you don’t come when I call you.”
We can accept responsibility for our feelings rather than blaming the other person if we connect our feeling with our need: “I feel…because I need…” This will convert our previous statements as follows:
1. “I feel frustrated when the Internet is slow because I can’t get my work done on time.”
2. “I feel terrified that my landlord hasn’t changed my locks, because I don’t feel safe.”
3. “Grandma feels nervous when you don’t come when I call you, because I get worried that you might be hurt or in trouble.”
Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our own unmet needs. What this means is that if someone says, “You never appreciate me,” they are really saying that their need to be appreciated is not being fulfilled.
When we express our needs indirectly through evaluations and interpretations of other’s behavior, the person at the receiving end is more likely to hear the message as criticism. This starts a negative chain of events, because when someone feels criticized, it is natural for them to become defensive. They then focus their energy on either defending themselves or counterattacking. As a result, we definitely do not get the compassionate response we desire.
The more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond to us compassionately. Unfortunately, we have not been taught to think in these terms. Instead, we tend to think about what is wrong with other people when our needs aren’t met.
For example, we may complain that our roommates are inconsiderate when they don’t wash their dishes thoroughly. A NVC statement, in which we connect our feelings to our own needs, would be, “I feel disgusted when my roommates don’t wash their dishes thoroughly, because I don’t like eating on dirty dishes.”
According to Marshall Rosenberg, “It has been my experience over and over again that from the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what’s wrong with one another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody’s needs is greatly increased.”
Let’s test your ability to identify statements in which the speaker acknowledges responsibility for his or her feelings. Which of the following statements accept responsibility for feelings rather than blaming someone else?
1. “You insult me when you do not introduce me to your friends.”
2. “I am jealous when you choose to spend time with her instead of me, because I need to feel important in your life.”
3. “I feel delighted when you bring me flowers.”
4. “I’m horrified that you feel that way because I was hoping that we would be able to reach an agreement.”
5. “I feel despondent because you never fulfill your promises.”
6. I’m worried because I thought we would make good time on the road.”
7. “Certain words make me very uncomfortable.”
8. “I feel relieved that you weren’t hurt.”
9. “I feel exhilarated when they shout out my name.”
10. “I am hurt that you did not invite me to your party, because I thought that we were friends.”
If you email your answers to me at dlaurel@laurelandassociates.com with NVC Answers in the subject heading, I will send you a list of the basic human needs that we all share.
In the next Tip, we will continue our discussion of this third component of NVC with a look at basic human needs and the three stages in developing emotional responsibility.
May your learning be sweet.
1. “I feel you don’t want me here.”
2. “I’m glad that you’re back home.”
3. “I feel angry when you do that.”
4. “When you don’t invite me to dinner with your friends, I feel rejected.”
5. “I’m terrified about the situation.”
6. “You’re infuriating.”
7. “I feel like hugging her.”
8. “I feel misunderstood.”
9. “I feel bad about what he did.”
10.“I’m useless.”
“People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them.” Epictetus
According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, the third component of Nonviolent Communication requires that we learn how to take responsibility for our feelings.
We do this by acknowledging the root cause of our feelings. What others say or do may be the stimulus for our feelings, but not the cause of our feelings. Our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say or do, as well as our specific needs and expectations in that situation.
NVC identifies four options for receiving verbal or nonverbal negative messages. We can:
(1) take it personally by hearing blame and criticism. In this case, we accept the
speaker’s judgment and blame ourselves.
(2) blame the speaker. In this case, we often get angry with the speaker.
(3) recognize that our response has to do with our own feelings and needs. In this
case, we become conscious that our feeling is caused by the fact that our needs are not being met.
(4) explore the speaker’s underlying feelings and needs that prompted the message.
In this case, we focus on the speaker rather than our reaction.
Assertiveness training teaches us to accept responsibility for our feelings, rights and needs. NVC takes this one step further by adding that: “We accept responsibility for our feelings, rather than blame other people, by acknowledging our own needs, desires, expectations, values or thoughts.”
For example, when I say, “You hurt my feelings when you didn’t call me back right away, “ I attribute my hurt feelings to the other person’s behavior.
However, when I say, “I was hurt when you didn’t call me back right away, because I really wanted to plan to get together tonight,” I attribute my hurt feelings to my unfulfilled desire to get together.
An important NVC concept is that the more we are able to connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for other to respond in a compassionate manner.
There are three common speech patterns that make it sound as if we are stating how we feel, but actually end up blaming others:
1. Using impersonal pronouns such as it and that. For example, “It really frustrates me when the Internet is slow.” “That worries me.”
2. Using the expression “I feel (an emotion) because… (followed by a person or personal pronoun other than I)”. For example, “I feel sad because you forgot my gift.” “I feel terrified because my landlord has not changed our locks yet.”
3. Using statements that mention only the actions of others. For example, “When you constantly forget my name, I feel badly.” “Grandma is nervous when you don’t come when I call you.”
We can accept responsibility for our feelings rather than blaming the other person if we connect our feeling with our need: “I feel…because I need…” This will convert our previous statements as follows:
1. “I feel frustrated when the Internet is slow because I can’t get my work done on time.”
2. “I feel terrified that my landlord hasn’t changed my locks, because I don’t feel safe.”
3. “Grandma feels nervous when you don’t come when I call you, because I get worried that you might be hurt or in trouble.”
Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our own unmet needs. What this means is that if someone says, “You never appreciate me,” they are really saying that their need to be appreciated is not being fulfilled.
When we express our needs indirectly through evaluations and interpretations of other’s behavior, the person at the receiving end is more likely to hear the message as criticism. This starts a negative chain of events, because when someone feels criticized, it is natural for them to become defensive. They then focus their energy on either defending themselves or counterattacking. As a result, we definitely do not get the compassionate response we desire.
The more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond to us compassionately. Unfortunately, we have not been taught to think in these terms. Instead, we tend to think about what is wrong with other people when our needs aren’t met.
For example, we may complain that our roommates are inconsiderate when they don’t wash their dishes thoroughly. A NVC statement, in which we connect our feelings to our own needs, would be, “I feel disgusted when my roommates don’t wash their dishes thoroughly, because I don’t like eating on dirty dishes.”
According to Marshall Rosenberg, “It has been my experience over and over again that from the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what’s wrong with one another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody’s needs is greatly increased.”
Let’s test your ability to identify statements in which the speaker acknowledges responsibility for his or her feelings. Which of the following statements accept responsibility for feelings rather than blaming someone else?
1. “You insult me when you do not introduce me to your friends.”
2. “I am jealous when you choose to spend time with her instead of me, because I need to feel important in your life.”
3. “I feel delighted when you bring me flowers.”
4. “I’m horrified that you feel that way because I was hoping that we would be able to reach an agreement.”
5. “I feel despondent because you never fulfill your promises.”
6. I’m worried because I thought we would make good time on the road.”
7. “Certain words make me very uncomfortable.”
8. “I feel relieved that you weren’t hurt.”
9. “I feel exhilarated when they shout out my name.”
10. “I am hurt that you did not invite me to your party, because I thought that we were friends.”
If you email your answers to me at dlaurel@laurelandassociates.com with NVC Answers in the subject heading, I will send you a list of the basic human needs that we all share.
In the next Tip, we will continue our discussion of this third component of NVC with a look at basic human needs and the three stages in developing emotional responsibility.
May your learning be sweet.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Tip #314: Nonviolent Communication #5: Express Feelings
In last week’s Tip, I posed a test of your ability to distinguish observation from evaluation. The statements in bold print are observations only. If the statement leaves you wondering what it means or why it was said, it is probably an evaluation.
1. Julie left our meeting in a huff for no reason. [Evaluation- what does it mean?]
2. Last night Linda knitted a sweater while watching her daughter’s karate lesson.
3. Tori did not listen to my advice at lunch.
4. My mother is a wonderful artist. [Evaluation- why do you say this?]
5. Michell argues too much. [Evaluation-what do you mean?]
6. Zelda is very assertive when faced with conflict. [Evaluation- why do you say this?]
7. Billy was the last one out the door every day last week.
8. My granddaughter often forgets to wash her hands before a meal. [Evaluation- what do you mean?]
9. Anna told me that red isn’t my color.
10. My friend complains when we get together. [Evaluation- what do you mean?]
“We must become acquainted with our emotional household: we must see our feelings as they actually are, not as we assume they are. “ Vernon Howard
According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, the second component of Nonviolent Communication requires that we learn how to express how we are feeling.
This is difficult, because many of us have been taught to value thinking instead of feeling. As a matter of fact, expressions of feeling in the workplace have typically been considered unprofessional- and expressions of feeling by men in any situation considered evidence of weakness. We tend to spend our energy trying to figure out what other people want rather than how we feel about it, particularly if we are women.
The first step is to distinguish feelings from thoughts. We often use the word feel without actually expressing a feeling. For example, in the sentence, “I feel that I was overlooked for promotion,” the words “I feel” can just as easily be replaced with “I think.”
In general, feelings are not typically expressed when the word feel is followed by:
1. Words such as that, like, and as if:
“I feel that you should think before you act.”
“I feel like I’m falling.”
“I feel as if I can do nothing right.”
2. The pronouns I, you, he, she, they, and it:
“I feel I am waiting for nothing.”
“I feel it is ridiculous.”
3. Names or nouns that refer to people:
“I feel Charles doesn’t care about his family.”
“I feel my employee is procrastinating.”
In fact, we don’t even need to use the word feel when we want to express a feeling. We can simply say, “I’m feeling angry” or even “I’m angry.”
NVC distinguishes between words that express real feelings and those that describe what we think we are.
For example, when I say, “I feel incapable of doing a good job as a parent,” I am evaluating my ability to parent rather than speaking about how that makes me feel.
However, when I say, “I feel anxious about my parenting skills,” I am expressing my actual emotion.
We also need to differentiate between words that describe what we feel and words that describe how we think others react or behave toward us.
For example, when I say, “I feel unworthy in this group of go-getters,” I am really saying that I think the group considers me unworthy. A statement of my actual feeling in this situation might be, “I feel anxious” or “I feel bewildered.”
When I say, “I feel taken for granted,” I am really interpreting the actions of others rather than clearly stating how I feel. A statement of my feeling in this situation might be, “I feel disappointed” or “I feel resentful.”
Words like taken for granted express how we interpret others rather than how we feel.
If we want to express our feelings, we need to use words that refer to specific emotions. If I say, “I feel good about that,” the word good is too general. It could mean happy, excited, relieved, or some other emotion. Words that are vague or general make it difficult for the listener to know what we are really feeling.
Let’s check your ability to identify statements that express feelings rather than thoughts, assessments or interpretations. Which of the following statements express feelings?
1. “I feel you don’t want me here.”
2. "I’m glad that you’re back home.”
3. “I feel angry when you do that.”
4. “When you don’t invite me to dinner with your friends, I feel rejected.”
5. “I’m terrified about the situation.”
6. “You’re infuriating.”
7. “I feel like hugging her.”
8. “I feel misunderstood.”
9. “I feel bad about what he did.”
10. “I’m useless.”
If you email your answers to me at dlaurel@laurelandassociates.com with NVC Answers in the subject heading, I will send you two lists to help you build a vocabulary for feelings: how we feel when our needs are being met and how we feel when are needs are not being met.
Next week’s Tip will discuss the third component in Nonviolent Communication, which is to take responsibility for our feelings.
May your learning be sweet.
1. Julie left our meeting in a huff for no reason. [Evaluation- what does it mean?]
2. Last night Linda knitted a sweater while watching her daughter’s karate lesson.
3. Tori did not listen to my advice at lunch.
4. My mother is a wonderful artist. [Evaluation- why do you say this?]
5. Michell argues too much. [Evaluation-what do you mean?]
6. Zelda is very assertive when faced with conflict. [Evaluation- why do you say this?]
7. Billy was the last one out the door every day last week.
8. My granddaughter often forgets to wash her hands before a meal. [Evaluation- what do you mean?]
9. Anna told me that red isn’t my color.
10. My friend complains when we get together. [Evaluation- what do you mean?]
“We must become acquainted with our emotional household: we must see our feelings as they actually are, not as we assume they are. “ Vernon Howard
According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, the second component of Nonviolent Communication requires that we learn how to express how we are feeling.
This is difficult, because many of us have been taught to value thinking instead of feeling. As a matter of fact, expressions of feeling in the workplace have typically been considered unprofessional- and expressions of feeling by men in any situation considered evidence of weakness. We tend to spend our energy trying to figure out what other people want rather than how we feel about it, particularly if we are women.
The first step is to distinguish feelings from thoughts. We often use the word feel without actually expressing a feeling. For example, in the sentence, “I feel that I was overlooked for promotion,” the words “I feel” can just as easily be replaced with “I think.”
In general, feelings are not typically expressed when the word feel is followed by:
1. Words such as that, like, and as if:
“I feel that you should think before you act.”
“I feel like I’m falling.”
“I feel as if I can do nothing right.”
2. The pronouns I, you, he, she, they, and it:
“I feel I am waiting for nothing.”
“I feel it is ridiculous.”
3. Names or nouns that refer to people:
“I feel Charles doesn’t care about his family.”
“I feel my employee is procrastinating.”
In fact, we don’t even need to use the word feel when we want to express a feeling. We can simply say, “I’m feeling angry” or even “I’m angry.”
NVC distinguishes between words that express real feelings and those that describe what we think we are.
For example, when I say, “I feel incapable of doing a good job as a parent,” I am evaluating my ability to parent rather than speaking about how that makes me feel.
However, when I say, “I feel anxious about my parenting skills,” I am expressing my actual emotion.
We also need to differentiate between words that describe what we feel and words that describe how we think others react or behave toward us.
For example, when I say, “I feel unworthy in this group of go-getters,” I am really saying that I think the group considers me unworthy. A statement of my actual feeling in this situation might be, “I feel anxious” or “I feel bewildered.”
When I say, “I feel taken for granted,” I am really interpreting the actions of others rather than clearly stating how I feel. A statement of my feeling in this situation might be, “I feel disappointed” or “I feel resentful.”
Words like taken for granted express how we interpret others rather than how we feel.
If we want to express our feelings, we need to use words that refer to specific emotions. If I say, “I feel good about that,” the word good is too general. It could mean happy, excited, relieved, or some other emotion. Words that are vague or general make it difficult for the listener to know what we are really feeling.
Let’s check your ability to identify statements that express feelings rather than thoughts, assessments or interpretations. Which of the following statements express feelings?
1. “I feel you don’t want me here.”
2. "I’m glad that you’re back home.”
3. “I feel angry when you do that.”
4. “When you don’t invite me to dinner with your friends, I feel rejected.”
5. “I’m terrified about the situation.”
6. “You’re infuriating.”
7. “I feel like hugging her.”
8. “I feel misunderstood.”
9. “I feel bad about what he did.”
10. “I’m useless.”
If you email your answers to me at dlaurel@laurelandassociates.com with NVC Answers in the subject heading, I will send you two lists to help you build a vocabulary for feelings: how we feel when our needs are being met and how we feel when are needs are not being met.
Next week’s Tip will discuss the third component in Nonviolent Communication, which is to take responsibility for our feelings.
May your learning be sweet.
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