Monday, February 22, 2010

Tip #311: Nonviolent Communication #2: NVC Defined

“What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.” Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

What is nonviolent, or compassionate, communication (NVC)? According to Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg, in his
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life:


While we may not consider the way we talk to be ‘violent,’ words often lead to hurt and pain, whether for others or ourselves.

NVC guides us in reframing how we express ourselves and hear others. Instead of habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling, and wanting.

We are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while simultaneously paying others a respectful and empathic attention. In any exchange, we come to hear our own deeper needs and those of others.

NVC trains us to observe carefully, and to be able to specify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us. We learn to identify and clearly articulate what we are concretely wanting in any given situation. The form is simple, yet powerfully transformative.

As NVC replaces our old patterns of defending, withdrawing, or attacking in the face of judgment and criticism, we come to perceive ourselves and others, as well as our intentions and relationships, in a new light. Resistance, defensiveness, and violent reactions are minimized.

When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion
. Through its emphasis on deep listening- to ourselves as well as to others- NVC fosters respect, attentiveness, and empathy, and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart.

... NVC is more than a process or a language. On a deeper level, it is an ongoing reminder to keep our attention focused on a place where we are more likely to get what we are seeking.


The NVC process has four components:

1. We observe the concrete actions that affect our well-being.
2. We state how we feel in relation to what we observe.
3. We express the needs, values, desires, etc. that create our feelings.
4. We request concrete actions in order to enrich our lives.

When we use the NVC process, we may begin by either expressing ourselves or by empathically receiving these four pieces of information from others.

However, it is possible to experience all four pieces of the process without uttering a single word. The essence of NVC is in our consciousness of the four components, not in the actual words that are exchanged.

Why care about NVC?
It can be effectively applied at all levels of communication and in diverse situations, including: intimate relationships, families, school, organizations, counseling relationships, diplomatic and business negotiations, and disputes and conflicts of any nature.

It is so powerful and effective that it now serves as a valuable mediation resource for communities around the world that face violent conflicts and severe ethnic, religious or political tensions, including Israel, the Palestinian Authority, Nigeria, Rwanda, Sierre Leone, etc.

Next week, we will continue our discussion of NVC with a look at communication that blocks compassion.

May your learning be sweet.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Tip #310: Nonviolent Communication #1

“Unless, as grandfather would say, ‘we become the change we wish to see in the world,’ no change will ever take place...Changing ourselves begins with changing our language and methods of communication.” Arun Gandhi, grandson of Mahatma Gandhi, co-founder of the M.K. Gandhi Institute for Nonviolence

I recently saw a wonderful poster in several classrooms at West High School in Madison, Wisconsin. Its message aptly bridges our prior discussion of lifelong learning with our look at the concept of nonviolent communication. The following is adapted from a poem by Nancy R. Smith:

“For every girl who is tired of acting weak when she is strong, there is a boy tired of appearing strong when he feels vulnerable.

For every boy who is burdened with the constant expectation of knowing everything, there is a girl tired of people not trusting her intelligence.

For every girl who is tired of being called over-sensitive, there is a boy who fears to be gentle, to weep.

For every boy for whom competition is the only way to prove his masculinity, there is a girl who is called unfeminine when she competes.

For every girl who throws out her E-Z bake oven, there is a boy who wishes to find one.

For every boy struggling not to let advertising dictate his desires, there is a girl facing the ad industry’s attacks on her self-esteem.

For every girl who takes a step toward her liberation, there is a boy who finds the way to freedom a little easier.”

What a moving observation of the negative impact of the messages communicated to our children.

If there are young children in your life and you would like a copy of this poster, the one I have is titled: CrimethInc. Gender Subversion Kit #69-B and is available at http://www.crimethInc.com

Next week, we will begin a discussion of nonviolent communication by considering how Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg defines it.

May your learning be sweet.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Tip #309: Lifelong Learning at the Fourth Level

“The secret of education lies in respecting the pupil.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

I am a member of the national American Society for Training and Development (ASTD). As a result, I receive a weekly email titled “The Buzz: Training News From Around the World.” It typically includes abstracts of 10 current articles on training approaches, experiences, and results.

The following article was recently posted in “The Buzz” and I thought the idea of creating a fourth level of education to prepare people near retirement for encore careers was absolutely fascinating. So, here it is:


“Harvard Wins Fans for Advanced Leadership Course
Guardian (UK) (01/12/2010) O'Hara, Mary

Harvard University recently held a unique "fourth level" education experiment for people nearing retirement. "Regardless of what you came here with, you'll be leaving with something that is going to continue to grow in directions that you couldn't have anticipated when you arrived," says Jamie Kaplan, the executive director of the Cromwell Center for Disabilities Awareness, a charity in Maine, and one of the first 14 "fellows" to participate in the program.

The Advanced Leadership Initiative (Ali) is widely seen as a radical departure from the educational status quo. The program capitalizes on the expanding area of "encore careers," where people nearing retirement actively re-train for a new vocation. Advocates for older people have praised the Harvard initiative, saying it is a model that the higher education establishment should give more attention.

The objective of the program is to develop an additional stage of higher education that harnesses the skills and experience of older adults, builds on those experiences, and catapults the graduates back into some of the most challenging social issues of the day. The current Ali program is limited to a single institution and a small, select group of people, but there is evidence that there is a greater demand for this type of program.

Ali was developed by Harvard Business School professor Rosabeth Moss Kanter, who says the idea is to take people who excelled in their individual fields, put them through an intensive year-long program that incorporates seminars, leadership development, and individual projects to prepare them to re-enter the workplace in a public service capacity.”

It would be wonderful to see this idea spread to other institutions around the country and the world.

May your learning be sweet.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Tip #308: Lifelong Learning with TED

“Curiosity is the wick in the candle of learning.” William A. Ward

So, what is TED? The answer is drawn directly from the TED website.

Chris Anderson, the curator of TED (which stands for Technology, Entertainment, Design), has described it as the place you go to discover how what you do relates to the rest of the world of knowledge that's out there. Anderson says these powerful ideas, from some of the greatest thinkers alive, need to be shared. The website is captioned: “Ideas worth spreading.”

TED was created by design guru Richard Saul Wurman in 1984. Longtime TEDsters (as they call themselves) remember the early years as a sort of platonic ideal of a dinner party, where Wurman would invite every person he would ever want to meet so they could talk, share ideas and get to know one another. From the beginning, TED was also a place for serious business. The Macintosh computer was unveiled at the first TED, and Wired magazine received its first seed money there.

In 2001 Wurman sold TED to tech-publishing multi-millionaire Chris Anderson’s Sapling Foundation, a philanthropic venture that originally aimed to share great ideas for solutions to global crises in public health, the environment, and other areas. Now Sapling’s focus is on magnifying the impact of TED. To accomplish this, he hired June Cohen to create podcasts and then design the website around the talks.

There is a live TED conference held every year, where the presenters are usually held to a strict limit of 18 minutes for their talks. However, you don’t have to attend to benefit from TED. Hundreds of TED talks are now available for free on , with several more added each week. Not only can you watch them, you’re free to download them, post them on your own Web site, or burn a DVD and share them with friends, family and whomever else you want.

Since the first videos became available, the audience has grown to more than 30 million online from around 1,500 a year at the live conference. “We knew that people would be interested, but we really didn’t anticipate that the size of the audience would be so huge, or that the talks would touch people so deeply,” Cohen told Live & Learn.

Speakers talk about the planet’s cultural diversity, the inner workings of the brain, or why we should let second graders play with knives and fire. TED is not afraid to be at the cutting edge, to grapple with groundbreaking, even controversial, topics. The show talks fall under technology, entertainment, design, business, science, or global issues.

You can search for talks that are rated jaw-dropping, persuasive, courageous, ingenious, fascinating, inspiring, beautiful, funny, or informative. All of them are considered “riveting talks by remarkable people.”

Among the most recent talks posted on 2/25/1, you will find: Bill Davenhall on “Your health depends on where you live;” Richard Dawkins on “Growing up in the universe;” Anthony Atala on “Growing new organs;” Robert Sapolsky on “The uniqueness of humans;” Matt Weinstein on “What Bernie Madoff couldn’t steal from me;” Edwidge Danticat on “Stories of Haiti;” Lalitesh Katragadda on “Making maps to fight disaster, build economy;” Sivamani on “Rhythm is everything, everywhere; Kiran Bir Sethi on “Teaching kids to take charge;” and Charles Fleischer on “All things are Moleeds.”

Curious about what a Moleed might be? Check it out at http://www.ted.com!

Next week, we will have one more item about lifelong learning that has recently come to my attention. Then we’ll move on to other topics.

May your learning be sweet.