Monday, March 29, 2010

Tip #316: Nonviolent Communication #7: Three Stages to Emotional Liberation

In last week’s Tip, we posed a test of your ability to identify statements in which the speaker acknowledges responsibility for his or her feelings. The statements in bold print connect the speaker’s feelings to the speaker’s needs. The remaining statements tend to imply that the other person’s behavior is solely responsible for the speaker’s feelings. They don’t indicate the needs or thoughts that are the basis for the speaker’s feelings.

1. “You insult me when you do not introduce me to your friends.”
2. “I am jealous when you choose to spend time with her instead of me, because I need to feel important in your life.”
3. “I feel delighted when you bring me flowers.”
4. “I’m horrified that you feel that way because I was hoping that we would be able to reach an agreement.”
5. “I feel despondent because you never fulfill your promises.”
6. "I’m worried because I thought we would make good time on the road.”
7. “Certain words make me very uncomfortable.”
8. “I feel relieved that you weren’t hurt.”
9. “I feel exhilarated when they shout out my name.”
10. “I am hurt that you did not invite me to your party, because I thought that we were friends.”


Tip #316: Nonviolent Communication #7: Three Stages to Emotional Liberation

"You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of." Jim Rohn

We all share basic human needs for autonomy, celebration, integrity, interdependence, play, spiritual communion and physical nurturance. According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, “It has been my experience over and over again that from the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what’s wrong with one another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody’s needs is greatly increased.”

There are three stages we must experience before we can learn how to take responsibility for our feelings.

Stage 1 is “emotional slavery,” in which we believe that we are responsible for other people’s feelings.

In this stage, we think it is our job to keep everyone else happy. We are likely to say, “My partner is so needy and dependent, it’s really stressing out our relationship.” However, the reality is that we are really stressed out by our own sense of obligation in the relationship.

This can be devastating to intimate relationships, because it equates love with the denial of our own needs.

Stage 2 is “the obnoxious stage,” in which we feel angry and no longer want to be responsible for others’ feelings.

In this stage, we are tired of taking care of everyone else and tend to go to the other extreme, saying, “That’s your problem! I’m not responsible for your feelings!”

We know what we are not responsible for, but do not know how to be responsible to others in a way that is not emotionally enslaving. We need to learn that emotional liberation involves more than simply asserting our own needs.

Stage 3 is “emotional liberation,” in which we take full responsibility for our intentions and actions.

In this stage, we respond to the needs of others out of compassion rather than fear, guilt or shame.

“Emotional liberation involves stating clearly what we need in a way that communicates we are equally concerned that the needs of others be fulfilled.”

In the next Tip, we will begin to discuss the fourth component of NVC, which addresses what we would like to request of others.

May your learning be sweet.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Tip #315: Nonviolent Communication #6: Take Responsibility for Feelings

In last week’s Tip, we posed a test of your ability to identify statements that express feelings rather than interpreting other’s feelings or behavior. The statements in bold print are feeling statements. The remaining statements either express: our interpretation of how others feel or behave, our thoughts rather than our feelings, or our feelings with words that are too vague.

1. “I feel you don’t want me here.”
2. “I’m glad that you’re back home.”
3. “I feel angry when you do that.”

4. “When you don’t invite me to dinner with your friends, I feel rejected.”
5. “I’m terrified about the situation.”
6. “You’re infuriating.”
7. “I feel like hugging her.”
8. “I feel misunderstood.”
9. “I feel bad about what he did.”
10.“I’m useless.”



“People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them.”
Epictetus

According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, the third component of Nonviolent Communication requires that we learn how to take responsibility for our feelings.

We do this by acknowledging the root cause of our feelings. What others say or do may be the stimulus for our feelings, but not the cause of our feelings. Our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say or do, as well as our specific needs and expectations in that situation.

NVC identifies four options for receiving verbal or nonverbal negative messages. We can:

(1) take it personally by hearing blame and criticism. In this case, we accept the
speaker’s judgment and blame ourselves.

(2) blame the speaker. In this case, we often get angry with the speaker.

(3) recognize that our response has to do with our own feelings and needs. In this
case, we become conscious that our feeling is caused by the fact that our needs are not being met.

(4) explore the speaker’s underlying feelings and needs that prompted the message.
In this case, we focus on the speaker rather than our reaction.

Assertiveness training teaches us to accept responsibility for our feelings, rights and needs. NVC takes this one step further by adding that: “We accept responsibility for our feelings, rather than blame other people, by acknowledging our own needs, desires, expectations, values or thoughts.”

For example, when I say, “You hurt my feelings when you didn’t call me back right away, “ I attribute my hurt feelings to the other person’s behavior.
However, when I say, “I was hurt when you didn’t call me back right away, because I really wanted to plan to get together tonight,” I attribute my hurt feelings to my unfulfilled desire to get together.

An important NVC concept is that the more we are able to connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for other to respond in a compassionate manner.


There are three common speech patterns that make it sound as if we are stating how we feel, but actually end up blaming others:

1. Using impersonal pronouns such as it and that. For example, “It really frustrates me when the Internet is slow.” “That worries me.”

2. Using the expression “I feel (an emotion) because… (followed by a person or personal pronoun other than I)”. For example, “I feel sad because you forgot my gift.” “I feel terrified because my landlord has not changed our locks yet.”

3. Using statements that mention only the actions of others. For example, “When you constantly forget my name, I feel badly.” “Grandma is nervous when you don’t come when I call you.”

We can accept responsibility for our feelings rather than blaming the other person if we connect our feeling with our need: “I feel…because I need…” This will convert our previous statements as follows:

1. “I feel frustrated when the Internet is slow because I can’t get my work done on time.”

2. “I feel terrified that my landlord hasn’t changed my locks, because I don’t feel safe.”

3. “Grandma feels nervous when you don’t come when I call you, because I get worried that you might be hurt or in trouble.”

Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our own unmet needs. What this means is that if someone says, “You never appreciate me,” they are really saying that their need to be appreciated is not being fulfilled.

When we express our needs indirectly through evaluations and interpretations of other’s behavior, the person at the receiving end is more likely to hear the message as criticism. This starts a negative chain of events, because when someone feels criticized, it is natural for them to become defensive. They then focus their energy on either defending themselves or counterattacking. As a result, we definitely do not get the compassionate response we desire.

The more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond to us compassionately. Unfortunately, we have not been taught to think in these terms. Instead, we tend to think about what is wrong with other people when our needs aren’t met.

For example, we may complain that our roommates are inconsiderate when they don’t wash their dishes thoroughly. A NVC statement, in which we connect our feelings to our own needs, would be, “I feel disgusted when my roommates don’t wash their dishes thoroughly, because I don’t like eating on dirty dishes.”

According to Marshall Rosenberg, “It has been my experience over and over again that from the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what’s wrong with one another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody’s needs is greatly increased.”

Let’s test your ability to identify statements in which the speaker acknowledges responsibility for his or her feelings. Which of the following statements accept responsibility for feelings rather than blaming someone else?

1. “You insult me when you do not introduce me to your friends.”
2. “I am jealous when you choose to spend time with her instead of me, because I need to feel important in your life.”
3. “I feel delighted when you bring me flowers.”
4. “I’m horrified that you feel that way because I was hoping that we would be able to reach an agreement.”
5. “I feel despondent because you never fulfill your promises.”
6. I’m worried because I thought we would make good time on the road.”
7. “Certain words make me very uncomfortable.”
8. “I feel relieved that you weren’t hurt.”
9. “I feel exhilarated when they shout out my name.”
10. “I am hurt that you did not invite me to your party, because I thought that we were friends.”


If you email your answers to me at dlaurel@laurelandassociates.com with NVC Answers in the subject heading, I will send you a list of the basic human needs that we all share.

In the next Tip, we will continue our discussion of this third component of NVC with a look at basic human needs and the three stages in developing emotional responsibility.

May your learning be sweet.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Tip #314: Nonviolent Communication #5: Express Feelings

In last week’s Tip, I posed a test of your ability to distinguish observation from evaluation. The statements in bold print are observations only. If the statement leaves you wondering what it means or why it was said, it is probably an evaluation.

1. Julie left our meeting in a huff for no reason. [Evaluation- what does it mean?]
2. Last night Linda knitted a sweater while watching her daughter’s karate lesson.
3. Tori did not listen to my advice at lunch.
4. My mother is a wonderful artist. [Evaluation- why do you say this?]
5. Michell argues too much. [Evaluation-what do you mean?]
6. Zelda is very assertive when faced with conflict. [Evaluation- why do you say this?]
7. Billy was the last one out the door every day last week.
8. My granddaughter often forgets to wash her hands before a meal. [Evaluation- what do you mean?]
9. Anna told me that red isn’t my color.
10. My friend complains when we get together. [Evaluation- what do you mean?]


“We must become acquainted with our emotional household: we must see our feelings as they actually are, not as we assume they are. “ Vernon Howard

According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, the second component of Nonviolent Communication requires that we learn how to express how we are feeling.

This is difficult, because many of us have been taught to value thinking instead of feeling. As a matter of fact, expressions of feeling in the workplace have typically been considered unprofessional- and expressions of feeling by men in any situation considered evidence of weakness. We tend to spend our energy trying to figure out what other people want rather than how we feel about it, particularly if we are women.

The first step is to distinguish feelings from thoughts. We often use the word feel without actually expressing a feeling. For example, in the sentence, “I feel that I was overlooked for promotion,” the words “I feel” can just as easily be replaced with “I think.”

In general, feelings are not typically expressed when the word feel is followed by:

1. Words such as that, like, and as if:

“I feel that you should think before you act.”
“I feel like I’m falling.”
“I feel as if I can do nothing right.”


2. The pronouns I, you, he, she, they, and it:

“I feel I am waiting for nothing.”
“I feel it is ridiculous.”


3. Names or nouns that refer to people:

“I feel Charles doesn’t care about his family.”
“I feel my employee is procrastinating.”


In fact, we don’t even need to use the word feel when we want to express a feeling. We can simply say, “I’m feeling angry” or even “I’m angry.”

NVC distinguishes between words that express real feelings and those that describe what we think we are.

For example, when I say, “I feel incapable of doing a good job as a parent,” I am evaluating my ability to parent rather than speaking about how that makes me feel.
However, when I say, “I feel anxious about my parenting skills,” I am expressing my actual emotion.

We also need to differentiate between words that describe what we feel and words that describe how we think others react or behave toward us.

For example, when I say, “I feel unworthy in this group of go-getters,” I am really saying that I think the group considers me unworthy. A statement of my actual feeling in this situation might be, “I feel anxious” or “I feel bewildered.”

When I say, “I feel taken for granted,” I am really interpreting the actions of others rather than clearly stating how I feel. A statement of my feeling in this situation might be, “I feel disappointed” or “I feel resentful.

Words like taken for granted express how we interpret others rather than how we feel.

If we want to express our feelings, we need to use words that refer to specific emotions.
If I say, “I feel good about that,” the word good is too general. It could mean happy, excited, relieved, or some other emotion. Words that are vague or general make it difficult for the listener to know what we are really feeling.

Let’s check your ability to identify statements that express feelings rather than thoughts, assessments or interpretations. Which of the following statements express feelings?

1. “I feel you don’t want me here.”
2. "I’m glad that you’re back home.”
3. “I feel angry when you do that.”
4. “When you don’t invite me to dinner with your friends, I feel rejected.”
5. “I’m terrified about the situation.”
6. “You’re infuriating.”
7. “I feel like hugging her.”
8. “I feel misunderstood.”
9. “I feel bad about what he did.”
10. “I’m useless.”


If you email your answers to me at dlaurel@laurelandassociates.com with NVC Answers in the subject heading, I will send you two lists to help you build a vocabulary for feelings: how we feel when our needs are being met and how we feel when are needs are not being met.

Next week’s Tip will discuss the third component in Nonviolent Communication, which is to take responsibility for our feelings.

May your learning be sweet.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Tip #313: Nonviolent Communication #4: Observation Without Evaluation


“When we combine observation with evaluation, people are apt to hear criticism.”
Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
, the first component of Nonviolent Communication requires that we learn how to observe behavior that affects our sense of well being without evaluating it at the same time.

This does not mean that we must remain completely objective at all times. It just means that we need to keep our observations separate from our evaluations. If we do not keep them separate, our communication will be heard as criticism.

Unfortunately, “for most of us, it is difficult to make observations, especially of people and their behavior, that are free of judgment, criticism, or other forms of analysis.”

For example, we mix evaluation into our observation when we say, “You are too self-critical.” If we want to communicate this observation without evaluation, we might say instead, “When I see you worry about every mistake, I think you are being too self-critical.

The difference between the first and the second statement is the fact that the speaker takes responsibility for the evaluation in the second statement.

If we say, “Doug procrastinates,” we are using a verb that has an evaluative connotation. We can communicate the same thought without evaluation if we say,
”Doug saves all of his Christmas shopping until Christmas Eve.”

The generalization, “Old people are slow drivers,” is highly evaluative. A more specific observation would be, “No matter what road he is on, my elderly uncle always drives 10 miles below the speed limit.”

We tend to combine evaluation with our observations when we state broad generalizations rather than specific facts and when we offer these statements as if they are the truth rather than simply our opinion.

For example, “If you don’t floss after brushing, you will get gum disease” is an evaluation, while “If you don’t floss after brushing, I worry that you will end up with gum disease” is an observation for which I take ownership because it is just my concern, not an absolute fact.

“Jim is a poor dancer” is an evaluation, while “Jim has stepped on my feet during every dance” is an observation of a specific situation.

“Sue is pretty” is an evaluation while “I like Sue’s looks” is an observation for which I take ownership, since it is just my opinion and not an absolute fact.

By the way, the words: always, never, ever, whenever, at least, etc. can be used to express an observation. For example: “I cannot recall your ever thanking me for my help,” and “I have noticed that whenever Sally eats while watching television, she takes at least an hour to finish her meal” are specific observations.

However, if these same words are used as exaggerations, they combine evaluation with observation and generate defensiveness rather than compassion. For example, the statements: “You are never home” and “He is always unavailable when the real work needs to be done” are both critically evaluative.

Words like frequently and seldom can also contribute to confusing observation with evaluation, because although they sound specific, they really are not. For example, “You seldom agree with me” is an evaluation, while “The last three times I said something, you said the exact opposite” is a more specific observation. “He frequently forgets to call me” is an evaluation, while “He said that he would call me every night last week, but he forgot” is another more specific observation.

In summary, if we want to separate observation from evaluation, we need to make observations that are specific in terms of their time and context.

Let’s test your ability to distinguish observation from evaluation. Which of the following statements do you think is an observation only?

1. Julie left our meeting in a huff for no reason.
2. Last night Linda knitted a sweater while watching her daughter’s karate lesson.
3. Tori did not listen to my advice at lunch.
4. My mother is a wonderful artist.
5. Michell argues too much.
6. Zelda is very assertive when faced with conflict.
7. Billy was the last one out the door every day last week.
8. My granddaughter often forgets to wash her hands before a meal.
9. Anna told me that red isn’t my color.
10. My friend complains when we get together.


If you email your answers to me at dlaurel@laurelandassociates.com with NVC Answers in the subject heading, I will send you a list of NVC Resources.

Next week’s Tip will discuss the second component in Nonviolent Communication, which is to express how we are feeling.

May your learning be sweet.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Tip #312: Nonviolent Communication #3: Blocked Compassion

“Most of us grew up speaking a language that encourages us to label, compare, demand, and pronounce judgments rather than to be aware of what we are feeling and needing.” Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life,
many of us have learned to use “life-alienating communication” that leads us to speak and behave in ways that injure others and ourselves. It is “life-alienating” because it distracts, distances and deflects both parties from their true feelings and needs. Please note that all quoted material in the paragraphs that follow is taken from Dr. Rosenberg's book.

Moralistic Judgments. “You’ll never be good enough.”

Judging statements include blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticism, comparisons, and diagnoses. When we cast judgments, “we think and communicate in terms of what is wrong with others for behaving in certain ways or, occasionally, what is wrong with ourselves for not understanding or responding as we would like.”

Moralistic judgments are life-alienating because “our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting.”

For example, “If my colleague is more concerned about details than I am, he is ‘picky and compulsive.’ On the other hand, if I am more concerned about details than he is, he is ‘sloppy and disorganized.’ ”

When we express our values and needs in terms of judgments, one of two things happens. Either the other person becomes defensive and resistant, or that person gives in because they feel afraid, guilty or ashamed.

“Had we been raised speaking a language that facilitated the expression of compassion, we would have learned to articulate our needs and values directly, rather than to insinuate wrongness when they have not been met. For example, instead of ‘Violence is bad,’ we might say instead, ‘I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means.’ ”

Making Comparisons. “No one can ever be too rich or too thin.”

This type of thinking blocks compassion both for ourselves and for others, because someone always falls short in a comparison.

Denial of Responsibility.The Devil made me do it!”

We deny responsibility for our actions whenever we attribute our actions to external factors, such as:

* Vague, impersonal forces: “I went to work because I had to.”
* Our condition, diagnosis, or personal or psychological history. “I abuse drugs because of my bad childhood.”
* The actions of others: “You made me do that.”
* The dictates of authority: “ I tabled the motion because the major asked me.”
* Group pressure: “I started drinking because all of my friends were doing it.”
* Institutional policies, rules and regulations: “I have to suspend your membership because that’s our policy.”
* Gender roles, social roles, or age roles: “I hate staying up until my teenager comes home, but I do it because I’m a caring parent.”
* Uncontrollable impulses: “I couldn’t help myself.”

When we deny the fact that we have a choice about how we behave, think and feel, we become a danger to ourselves and to others.

Demands. “You better do what I tell you to do.”

A demand explicitly or implicitly threatens listeners with blame or punishment if they fail to comply.

Just Desserts. “You made your bed, now lie in it.”

The concept that certain actions deserve to be rewarded and others deserve to be punished is also associated with life-alienating communication.

When we use life-alienating communication, we evaluate others and ourselves in a critical and damaging fashion.

The first component of Nonviolent Communication requires that we learn how to observe behavior without evaluating it. That will be the focus of next week’s Tip.

May your learning be sweet.