Monday, April 26, 2010

Tip #320: Avoiding Burnout that Begins With a Sense of Isolation

Last week, we posed a test of your ability to identify statements that are empathetic responses. The statements in bold print are empathetic.

The remaining statements give reassurance, attempt to educate, disagree and defend, take responsibility for A’s feelings, give advice, assume understanding and talk about B’s feelings, or start by focusing on A’s feelings but then shift to explaining.

1. Person A: “How could I do something so stupid?”
Person B: “Nobody is perfect; you’re too hard on yourself.” [giving reassurance]

2. Person A: “If you ask me, we ought to ship all these immigrants back to where
they came from.”

Person B: “Do you really think that would solve anything?” [attempting to educate]

3. Person A: “You aren’t God!”
Person B: “Are you feeling frustrated because you would like me to admit that
there can be other ways of interpreting this matter?”


4. Person A: “I think that you take me for granted. I wonder how you would manage
without me.”

Person B: “That’s not true! I don’t take you for granted!” [disagreeing and
defending]


5. Person A: “How could you say a thing like that to me?”
Person B: “Are you feeling hurt because I said this?” [taking responsibility for
A’s feelings]


6. Person A: “I’m furious with my husband. He’s never around when I need him.”
Person B: “You think he should be around more than he is?”

[Dr. Rosenberg would prefer: “So, you’re feeling furious because you would like him to be around more than he is?”- because it focuses on feelings and needs rather than thoughts]

7. Person A: “I’m disgusted with how heavy I’m getting.”
Person B: “Perhaps jogging would help.” [giving advice (I’m sure all the women
got this one!)]


8. Person A: “I’ve been a nervous wreck planning for my daughter’s wedding.
Her fiancĂ©’s family is not helping. About every day they change their
minds about the kind of wedding they would like.”

Person B: “So you’re feeling nervous about how to make arrangements and would
appreciate it if your future in-laws could be more aware of the
complications their indecision creates for you?”


9. Person A: “When my relatives come without letting me know ahead of time, I feel
invaded. It reminds me of how my parents used to disregard my needs
and would plan things for me.”

Person B: “I know just how you feel. I used to feel that way, too.” [assuming
understanding then talking about B’s own feelings]


10. Person A: “I’m disappointed with your performance. I would have liked your
department to double your production last month.”

Person B: “I understand that you are disappointed, but we have had many
absences due to illness.” [starting by focusing on A’s feelings but
then shifting to explaining]


Tip #320: Avoiding Burnout that Begins With a Sense of Isolation

“The price for independence is often isolation and solitude.” Steve Schmidt

I realize that I promised another Tip on Nonviolent Communication this week, but I really think we’ve done enough on this. It’s well past time to move on to another subject.

It is spring here in Madison, Wisconsin. Spring is a time of rebirth. Hopefully, the economy is picking up and we are all feeling more on top of our work and our lives. So this week’s topic may seem strange to you.

But for those of us who are sole practitioners, who have been struggling to stay afloat, burnout is a real possibility.

There are three tracks that lead to the stress and the feeling of powerlessness that create extreme exhaustion, otherwise known as burnout. The first track begins with isolation. This Tip looks at the steps along that track and what you can do to help yourself before you get burnt out.

Solo practitioners are on their own. They often have no one with which to discuss business issues or share challenges or serve as a sounding board for new ideas. A solution to isolation is to schedule connection with other people: arrange frequent meetings with colleagues, attend professional association meetings, join internet groups, create a telephone partnership, etc.

Isolation leads to a real lack of support. If you are on your own, there is no one there to take over tasks or provide words of encouragement. Many solo practitioners try to do everything themselves and quickly become overwhelmed. A solution to a lack of support is to identify what you do well and delegate the rest to professionals who have the necessary expertise. You can either trade expertise with another solo practitioner or bite the bullet and pay for expert assistance.

Isolation and a lack of support can lead to a lack of recognition. We’re not talking academy awards here. It is a simple facet of human nature that we like to be recognized for what we do. This is particularly true when we are working day and night, with little to show for our efforts. We want to be recognized for the sacrifices we make in order for our business to succeed. A solution to a lack of recognition is to create a mutual recognition partnership with one or more solo practitioners. Who better than someone in the same situation can truly comprehend what it takes to build and maintain a business.

A lack of recognition leads directly to a lack of appreciation. When we can’t see any tangible accomplishments, or our brief successes get buried under mountains of new tasks and deadlines, it would be nice to have someone who appreciates us and validates our value. A solution to a lack of appreciation is finding someone who is sympathetic and willing to be a cheerleader. It might help to meet weekly with peers and create a ritual wherein everyone has a chance to identify the progress they have made, the challenges they have met, or the successes they have achieved.

When we are isolated, lack support, lack recognition and lack appreciation, it is easy to simply stop growing as a person. Worn down by obligations without end, we are in a survival mode at this point. We have no time or energy to devote to personal growth. A solution to a lack of personal growth is to make a commitment to ensure some balance in our lives. All work and no play results in a very dull person. We need to realize that we will be much better at our work if we take time to learn and try new ideas, techniques, or experiences that are not business-related.

When work is our entire world and there is no relief in sight, it is easy to feel a sense of entrapment. There is a reason that the metaphor for unrelenting work is a rat race, particularly rats running in a maze. We see no way out of our obligations, pressures, and expectations. We start to repress our anxiety and our growing anger- at ourselves and the situation in which we find ourselves. A solution to a sense of entrapment is to remember that we have choices. We do not have to work day and night. We can set or negotiate more reasonable deadlines. We can remember that there is more to life and choose to take time to enjoy it.

The sense of entrapment easily leads to stress. Without some release, our anxiety and tension can grow until it literally brings us to a breaking point. Our health gets compromised, because we frequently deny ourselves adequate rest, relaxation, or even nutrition. The caffeine and sugar we depend on to keep going when we are absolutely exhausted give us only brief highs and much longer lows. We literally have no resilience. A solution to stress is to recognize it and build some balance into our lives to repair our emotional, physical and spiritual health. Then rather than agonizing and worrying about things, we need to look for workable solutions.

Burnout that begins with isolation and follows this track will end in a feeling of powerlessness. This is a deeply depressive place that sees no light or hope of rescue or relief. We firmly believe that there is nothing we can do to help ourselves. We are buffeted by the economy and our competition; stymied by our inability to gain clients or sell products; overwhelmed by new technology and social media; too exhausted to do anything more or learn anything new. All we want to do is curl up and die.

A solution to this feeling of powerlessness is again to recognize that we have choices. The very first choice when we reach this terrible state of being is to get professional help. We need help to understand the choices (what they were and why we made them) that got us to this point. We also need help to be able to make the choice to take the necessary time to rest and heal.

Once we are burnt out, we have nothing to offer ourselves or anyone else. It is virtually impossible to run a healthy business or live a healthy life when we are so devastated and exhausted. So let’s not get to this point! If you find yourself anywhere along this track, step off of it and take constructive action to eliminate or address the potential burnout pitfalls.

To help those of us who are highly stressed or facing burnout, I have posted a white paper on Hot Tips for Good Mental Health on my website at http://www.laurelandassociates.com.

In next week’s Tip, we will look at the second track to burnout that begins with worry.

May your learning be sweet.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Tip #319: Nonviolent Communication #10: Receiving With Empathy

In last week's Tip, we posed a test of your ability to identify statements that pose clear, positive, action-oriented requests. The statements in bold print are requests rather than demands. The remaining statements do not clearly express a request for a specific action.

1. "I want you to care about me."

2. "I'd like you to tell me one reason why you think I would do well in that job."

3. "I'd like you to act more serious about this project."

4. "I'd like you to stop yelling at me."

5. "I'd like you to let her be herself."

6. I'd like you to be honest with me."

7. "I would like you to stay on the highway."

8. "I'd like to get to know your parents better."

9. "I would like you to show respect for my privacy."

10."I'd like you to get home early more often."

Tip #319: Nonviolent Communication #10: Receiving With Empathy

"The key ingredient of empathy is presence: we are wholly present with the other party and what they are experiencing." Dr. Marshall Rosenberg

In previous Tips, we have explored the four components of honest expression: what we are observing, feeling and needing, and what we would like to request. There is another side to nonviolent communication, which is hearing what others are observing, feeling, needing and requesting.

In Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg refers to this aspect of nonviolent communication as "receiving empathically."

Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are feeling or experiencing. It begins with what many of us have learned as active listening: holding our own thoughts and feelings in abeyance as we listen without judgment to someone else.

This is not easy to do. We are problem solvers. As a result, rather than simply listening, we often want to jump right in with suggestions or advice, or to tell our own stories or feelings.

Holley Humphrey identifies ten common behaviors that prevent us from actively listening: advising, one-upping, educating, consoling, story-telling, shutting down, sympathizing, interrogating, explaining, and correcting.

According to Dr. Rosenberg, "believing we have to 'fix' situations and make others feel better prevents us from being present...intellectual understanding of a problem blocks the kind of presence that empathy requires."

"When we are thinking about people's words and listening to how they connect to our theories, we are looking at people- we are not with them. [And] while we may choose at times to sympathize with others by feeling their feelings, it's helpful to be aware that during the moment we are offering sympathy, we are not empathizing."

In this part of nonviolent communication, no matter what other people say, our job is to only hear what they are (1) observing, (2) feeling, (3) needing, and (4) requesting.

We start this process by paraphrasing what we have heard, to check our understanding. Paraphrasing is a well-known component of active listening. However, it takes a more sophisticated form in nonviolent communication.

First, it is specifically focused on what others are observing, feeling and needing, or requesting. Second, we may need to express our own feelings and needs before we ask for information.

For example:

"Instead of asking someone, "What did I do?" we might say, "I'm frustrated because I'd like to be clearer about what you are referring to. Would you be willing to tell me what I've done that leads you to see me in this way?"

Dr. Rosenberg acknowledges that this second step may neither be needed or helpful in some situations, but he strongly recommends reflecting back messages that are emotionally charged.

We may choose to paraphrase and reflect people's messages back to them if we are unclear about their message- or if we sense that they would like confirmation that their message has been accurately received.

Interestingly enough, Dr. Rosenberg says that paraphrasing tends to save, rather than waste, time. "Studies in labor-management negotiations demonstrate that the time required to reach conflict resolution is cut in half when each negotiator agrees, before responding, to accurately repeat what the previous speaker has said." !

We will know that a speaker has received sufficient empathy when tension decreases or the flow of words comes to an end. And if we start to feel defensive or unable to give empathy, we need to stop, breathe, and give ourselves empathy- because we can't give to others what we don't give to ourselves.

Let's check if we can recognize verbal expressions of empathy. Keep in mind that:

(1) paraphrasing reflects back what the other person has said, without interpretation or indication of what we think or feel about it; and

(2) we can connect on a deeper level if we receive the feelings and needs being expressed rather than just the thoughts.


Please circle the number in front of each statement in which Person B is responding empathically to what is going on within Person A:

1. Person A: "How could I do something so stupid?"
Person B: "Nobody is perfect; you're too hard on yourself."

2. Person A: "If you ask me, we ought to ship all these immigrants back to
where they came from."
Person B: "Do you really think that would solve anything?"

3. Person A: "You aren't God!"
Person B: "Are you feeling frustrated because you would like me to admit
that there can be other ways of interpreting this matter?"

4. Person A: "I think that you take me for granted. I wonder how you would
manage without me."
Person B: "That's not true! I don't take you for granted!"

5. Person A: "How could you say a thing like that to me?"
Person B: "Are you feeling hurt because I said this?"

6. Person A: "I'm furious with my husband. He's never around when I need
him."
Person B: "You think he should be around more than he is?"

7. Person A: "I'm disgusted with how heavy I'm getting."
Person B: "Perhaps jogging would help."

8. Person A: "I've been a nervous wreck planning for my daughter's wedding.
Her fiance's family is not helping. About every day they
change their minds about the kind of wedding they would like."

Person B: "So you're feeling nervous about how to make arrangements and
would appreciate it if your future in-laws could be more
aware of the complications their indecision creates for you?"

9. Person A: "When my relatives come without letting me know ahead of time,
I feel invaded. It reminds me of how my parents used to
disregard my needs and would plan things for me."

Person B: "I know just how you feel. I used to feel that way, too."

10.Person A: "I'm disappointed with your performance. I would have liked
your department to double your production last month."

Person B: "I understand that you are disappointed, but we have had many
absences due to illness."

In the next Tip, we will discuss the power of empathy.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Tip #318: Nonviolent Communication #9: Making Requests Rather Than Demands

“Self absorption and empathy for others are mutually exclusive." Donald Blum

In this Tip, we continue our discussion of the fourth component of NVC by looking at what we want when we make a request and how to make a request so it is not perceived as a demand.

According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, after we express ourselves in terms of our feelings and needs, there are three possible responses we may want: (1) what the listener is feeling, (2) what the listener is thinking, or (3) whether the listener will be willing to take a particular action. It is important for us to clearly identify which response we desire.

This becomes problematic if there is a history of blaming or finding fault. If so, it is more likely that any request will be perceived as a demand- to which the listener will only have two options: to submit or to rebel.

The only way to tell if the statement is a request or a demand is to observe what the speaker does if the listener does not comply with the request. If the speaker takes the lack of compliance as a personal reject and then criticizes or judges the listener, the statement will be heard as a demand rather than a request.

However, if we indicate that we only want others to comply if they can do it willingly, showing empathy toward their needs, then our statement will be heard as a request. This is because a request, by definition, can be refused.

Dr. Rosenberg cautions that “If our objective is only to change people and their behavior or to get our way, then NVC is not an appropriate tool. The process is designed for those of us who would like others to change and respond, but only if they choose to do so willingly and compassionately.” NVC is meant to create relationships based on honesty and empathy, not judgment and coercion.

If we make our requests from a self righteous and judgmental perspective in which the words: should, supposed, deserve, justified, and right play a part, those requests automatically become demands.

Let’s test your ability to identify statements that are clear expressions of requests. Which of the following statements make clear, positive, action-oriented requests?

1. “I want you to care about me.”
2. “I’d like you to tell me one reason why you think I would do well in that job.”
3. “I’d like you to act more serious about this project.”
4. “I’d like you to stop yelling at me.”
5. “I’d like you to let her be herself.”
6. "I’d like you to be honest with me.”
7. “I would like you to stay on the highway.”
8. “I’d like to get to know your parents better.”
9. “I would like you to show respect for my privacy.”
10. “I’d like you to get home early more often.”

In the next Tip, we will discuss the next step in NVC, which is to empathically receive what others are observing, feeling, needing and requesting.

May your learning be sweet.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Tip #317: Nonviolent Communication #8: What We Request of Others

“Every moment of your life is infinitely creative and the universe is endlessly bountiful. Just put forth a clear enough request, and everything your heart desires must come to you." Shakti Gawain

In this Tip, we will begin to discuss the fourth component of NVC, which addresses what we would like to request of others. According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, “When our needs are not being fulfilled, we follow the expression of what we are observing, feeling, and needing with a specific request: we ask for actions that might fulfill our needs.”

NVC requests are clear, positive, and action oriented.

Clear positive language is important when making requests. Using negative language to tell people what we don’t want can have two major drawbacks. First, they may know what we don’t want but have difficulty identifying what we do want. Second, negative requests are frequently met with resistance because they sound critical of the other person.

NVC requests involve specific concrete actions that others can actually take, rather than vague generalities. If we merely express our feelings, the listener may not have a clear idea what we want that person to do. However, if we state our feelings and needs along with our request, it is more likely to accomplish our desired purpose.
The problem is that we often speak words without any conscious awareness of what we really want.

Dr. Rosenberg believes that “whenever we say something to another person, we are requesting something in return.” It might be empathy and acknowledgment, an honest reaction, or a specific action.

If we want our needs to be met, we have to be very clear about what we want from the other person. We also need to check to make sure that our message is received as it was intended, which requires us to ask for specific feedback.

As anyone who has taught or practiced active listening knows, people can get annoyed, irritated, or even angry when you ask them to repeat back to you what you have just said. So this step has to be handled with tact and diplomacy, stressing that we want to make sure that we have expressed ourselves clearly, rather than if the other person is paying attention.

In the next Tip, we will continue our discussion of the fourth component of NVC by looking at the three possible responses we want when we make a request and how to make a request so it is not perceived as a demand.

May your learning be sweet.